Coming Together On Family Finances

If you’ve found that talking about family finances with your spouse is difficult or completely uncomfortable, we have some suggestions that can help.  

Before doing anything, think about whether or not you and your spouse are on the same page in regards to how to budget money. Each of you is an individual, especially when it comes to your beliefs surrounding your finances. Are you a saver or a spender? What about your spouse? How were each of you raised to handle or talk about money? Addressing these issues is an important first step.    

The second step includes figuring out where you are going. How can money help you get there? Do you look at money as a tool to bring freedom and security? What type of lifestyle would each of you like to have? What is realistic, given your current income and goals?

How Much Comes In and How Much Goes Out?

To see where your money is actually going, we recommend that both of you get together and write down your monthly and weekly expenses on paper. List all details about what you buy and how much you spend on it.  

Then, see where you can shave costs. This is a budgeting basic that can give you some extra cash to put towards saving for a rainy day, college savings, your 401(k) or just good old fashioned family fun.

A good way to do this is to use a personal or home budgeting software program like Intuit Quicken or, if you operate a small business out of your house or apartment, Intuit QuickBooks.

“It is the responsibility of each person to watch their spending and talk about it,” says a Livermore, Calif. working mom of two – let’s call her Iris.

Iris’ husband – let’s call him Tom — a sales executive for a technology company, says budgeting is very difficult for him since their income varies. They don’t have a strict monthly budget, although they keep track of everything by using Quicken. He says he takes care of the recurring monthly bills and Iris is charged with purchasing what they need to run the household.

And Baby Makes Three

Becoming a parent is a huge life change. Initially, it will be about sleep deprivation. Then trips to Walgreens or Target suddenly trump a night out on the town. And finally, you’ll notice the cash coming out of your budget to fund kid oriented expenses like music lessons; gymnastics; day care, if both you and your spouse work; and perhaps even private school.

Becoming a savvy household budget planner is truly an important requirement that gets kicked into high gear when you make that transition to parenthood.  

Working as a Team

The best way to assure harmony in dealing with financial matters is to make sure you and your spouse are one when it comes to saving and spending.

Who likes to handle the finances? Oftentimes, it’s one or the other partner who would prefer to be in charge of this task. Do you trust your spouse to make good financial decisions, or do you feel the need to stay in control? Keep in mind that sometimes where you came from can greatly affect your outlook when it comes to this.

A Los Angeles Calif.-based stay-at-home mom — let’s call her Fran — remembers a time, during her childhood, when her parents were going through a financial hardship. This, she says, shaped her awareness of saving and spending. As an adult, it made her want to always “maintain control” of the family finances. Fran is responsible for managing the family finances. And she prefers it that way.

Fran’s husband would rather not deal with the finances. So he is happy to have her do it. Fran says they each have their own individual checking account and credit cards. They do have a joint savings account. However, each of them pays certain bills out of their own account. Accessing each others’ accounts can be a challenge, says Fran. But now that she has taken time-off from her career in telecommunications to stay at home with their two kids, she feels even more compelled to be in-charge of the family finances.

Mutual Respect Is the Name of the Game

In the best of all worlds, and with a little budgeting help from your partner, you’ll be able to create a plan of action that allows both of you to get what you want. That being said, if you still find yourself feuding with your spouse over the family budget, there are various techniques that you can use to help work things out.

According to an article by Denver, Colo.-based clinical psychologist, Susan Heitler, PhD, Conflict Resolution: Essential Skills for Couples and Their Counselors, “spouses who do not know the basic guidelines for sustaining healthy dialogue are likely to crash and injure each other like car drivers who do not know the basic rules of the road such as driving on the right and stopping at red lights.” Here are some techniques that she recommends couples consider implementing for basic conflict resolution:  

• Express initial positions
• Explore underlying concerns
• Create a solution set responsive to all the concerns of both participants 

Communication and cooperation are obviously vital to the success of this process. But most of all, it is important to approach the process with respect for your differing points of view. It’s no easy task. Budgeting is an ongoing process with many bumps along the way. The key lies in being flexible to make adjustments and navigate the curves that might lie ahead.